Friend Funk

I'll apologise right now for the ranting I'm about to pour out...I've been in a bit of a friend funk lately and just need to share my thoughts. How is it possible that I'm in my late 20's and feel like I'm in the midst of a high school popularity contest. The oddity about it is that has to do with my church "friends". We've been attending our church for 6 years and were immediately pulled into a "Young and Married" group. We made some fun new friends-many who had known each other since junior high and high school. It was nice to come into a group who had such a great background of growing up in the church & youth group together. But now as we sit, 6 years invested, it seems as though there's an inner circle that just can't be penetrated. What I mean is that I don't feel our connections/frienships are as deep and intimate as I hoped they would be by now. They're all friends and it's hard to be in with that. It's a constant battle (mostly on my part) where I get wrapped up in wanting to be part of that group. How silly is that? It's a yucky feeling that leaves me sour and downright grumpy when I let myself feel so low about it. What is it that makes me think I'm not good enough for them or that I'll never "fit in" as it seems? Why do I stuggle to trust many of them as much as I'd like to? I've never felt this insecure about myself as a friend before.

One thing that has made me notice this lately is an incident that took place between a particular female friend and I. We had made a good connection when she and her husband joined our group a couple of years ago and we seemed to have many things in common. I really began to trust this person and value her as a friend. Not long ago I shared with her a stuggle I was experiencing- some personal issues with my family as well as my views on the church group "inner circle" debackle I was having. She agreed with many of my views. I even mentioned to her that I wasn't sure this church was right for us anymore and she shared her thoughts on the matter too. The interesting spin on this is that since that conversation, our friendship has been nothing but surfacy (is that a word?) and very distant as it seems we only talk in passing now. She has more obviously clung to those in the group I was referring to in that particular conversation and has drifted as my friend. What really hurts is that since sharing those thoughts she hasn't even followed up to see how things are or inquired about the status on any of these issues. Quite honestly I feel betrayed by a person who I placed my trust in. Now I am left questioning even more the future of our existance in that group/church.

Friendship just shouldn't be that much of an effort. Friendship should be comfortable, fun, encouraging, trusting, forgiving, and loving. So, to combat these frustrations, I have made the effort to nurture the "old" friendships that were formed long ago...making time & plans with the friends that know my heart and care about me and my family. Although this makes me feel better it doesn't take away the hurt, frustration and confusion I feel at church. I talked to my sisters about this and my older (and my I say wiser) sister said she could feel compassion for what I was feeling but certainly couldn't relate. She has not seen these issues at her church...and isn't that the way it should be? So what do I do? Is it even possible these feelings will go away- can the situation be fixed? I don't know. My brother in law also gave me some food for thought when he mentioned the age-long question, when are we going to stop trying to please others and start pleasing God? Am I truly seeking to enter into the frienships to glorify God or am I wrapped up in the immature popularity contest to just fit in? Everybody wants friends...but at what cost?
...if you made it this far, thanks for reading! The ranting is now over (until next time...)

Crazy days are a gift from God too...

...I have to remind myself of that when I have one of those days which it may have been better to just stay in my jammies and not face the busyness of the day. Today was one of those days. With great intentions I left the house to take lunch to Justin and spend time with him and Kenzie. Monday's are tough because he leaves the house SO early to catch the lightrail to work.

*sidenote-He does this because after work he has class, and since I'm a worrysome wife (I come by it honestly, mom) he succombs to my wishes and takes the lightrail so he's not walking back to his car left at work going through dark streets/alleys when class gets out. Thanks my love!

So, we ate our lunch and talked, smiled and giggled at Kenzie who so far was in a sweet mood. All was well as we said goodbye knowing we wouldn't see eachother until much later in the evening.

Now it was off to the next activity...meet mom, Abby, Angie and the girls at McD's. The plan was that I'd call mom when I was close.

I called...and called...and called. Hmmm, no answer. Let's try Abby. Ringing...Ringing...Voicemail.

Okay....Angie? Called...called...called, Voicemail. Great.

I did this again and again until they probably each had 5 missed calls. I left an exasperated voicemail on mom's phone...decided to drive through the parking lot of McD's- if they're not there I guess I'm headed home. What luck! They were there!! :) I joined in on the tail end of their lunch and listened (deciphered) the stories of an (almost) 4 year old's tales of Disneyland adventures and the agreements of her sweet two year old little sister, "Yep"...sweet Emma and Addie! ...Off to Ronald's Play Place...in and out, in and out- who's in the bathroom? Addie's stuck on the playground? Where's your sock Emma? Don't you watch your kids lady? ...Thank goodness for 8 month old's!! Kenzie can you stay this little?!

When it was time to say our goodbye's, the meltdown began. Shut the car door, turn the car on...and commence with the crying!! Oh boy...thank goodness this isn't a daily occurrance. I know well enough by now it was a combination of overstimulation and desperately fighting a nap- but what can you do? The meltdown continued, tears, screams, mommy loves (that seems to help a little-for both of us!) Finally a nap. 30 minutes later...in the middle of making dinner and waiting the arrival of friends...crying, again! Oh sweet Kenzie, how I'd love a nap! I got her up and settled her down for a snack as I finshed the final dinner preparations.

I guess a good mess cures any grumpy mood! What a silly girl! After such a crazy day, I still look at my beautiful girl and thank God for this precious gift...it's in the midst of the busyness, tantrums, meltdowns, crying and sobbing that I remind myself that I have the best job in the world! Just look at that face! So, thank you Lord for the crazy days too!

One month to go...

Thursday was the day...meeting time with the bosses! I'm happy to say all went well and I will be a stay-at-home mom by month's end. I will still be working from home but my days of toting Kenzie to the office are coming to an end. I'm really looking forward to this new routine as I have seen many changes in Kenzie now that she's almost 8 months old! I have been so blessed to have taken her with me this long and am thankful for the generosity my bosses have shown through it all!

So, wrapping things up and will finish out the last two weeks...I can't help but think this is the perfect time to do this not only because Kenzie's needs are changing but because I most relieved that I won't have to take her out in the bad weather when the winter stoms start rolling in! Yay!

Blah, Blah, Blah

Just another day at the office...Kenzie is getting to that point though where I'm sure my days are numbered. As much as I would love to keep bringing her with me, my mommy guilt is getting to me not to mention her tantrums when all she wants is to be held-but I don't mind because I love to hold her, it's just hard to get things done that way!

So...I have a follow-up meeting on Thursday and I have a feeling they'll be sending me packing! Ha Ha! It's not really like that but I do think I'll be working strictly from home before I know it. (Yay! That's good news for you right Jeepy? More days to come and play!)

Anyway, back to work!

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